9. Are you lovin' it?

I don’t smoke.
I rarely have a drink.
I don’t really have any substance abuse problems at all.

Except maybe one….. Mcdonalds.

It’s awful isn’t it? Makes your stomach churn? I know. I find that people have a love/hate relationship with this fast-food chain. You love it, or you hate it. Am I right?

I love it.

And I hate it.

I eat McDonalds often (far more often than I should), and no matter what I order it’s so awesome when I am stuffing my face with the glorious greasiness, and then the worst thing ever the literal second I am finished. Oh my stomach hates it. And yet I still go back… time after time. I can’t stop myself…

I have a thing for McDonald’s breakfast (and I know I’m not the only one…).

Carb-tastic.

I order the Bacon + Egg bagel-with-no-egg. I swear I feel like an absolute moron every time I order it, but hey, they always know what I mean. What can I say, I am allergic to eggs (I had a friend who recently converted to vegetarian-ism and now orders cheeseburgers with no meat… I thought it was so funny until I learned that McDonalds actually has a button for that on their cash register! Crazy.) I also find that the more you go, the more you want it.

It is so addictive.

It was a blow when I had to take the “egg” part of it out. Just awful. I watch other people eating eggs around me and it actually makes me mad sometimes. It was such a perfect no-carb food. In the beginning I was so upset about it that I refused to stop eating them ( oh me and my Denial…) was that ever not worth it. I get so sick. But we are all sort of in the same boat, aren’t we? Do you eat sugar-full ice cream? If you don’t… does it sometimes make you mad that you feel like you can’t? Well, maybe ice-cream isn’t your thing… but everyone must have a vice of some kind. It’s true that it’s not really fair.

That’s the thing about fast-food. It’s fast. I work full time, I have class all night two nights a week, I have a study partner another night and tons and tons of homework. And family, and friends and my own projects, and my dog. That’s only my normal-person stuff. I also have to check sugars what feels like every five seconds and calculate insulin and inject and carb count and sheesh! Who has time for it all? And on top of it we are supposed to cook well and eat well and exercise. It can get to be too much….

Who could resist a drive through when you’re rushed and starving and don’t have the ability to cook healthy meals for the next couple of days after school at 10pm? The yellow arch all glowing and omnipresent sure starts to look good.

For some reason I can never seem to get the insulin-to-gross-McDonalds-food ratio quite right. I guess that’s my biggest problem with it right now. That, and that I need to just eat less of it in general. I have accepted that McDonalds will probably always be my “problem”, but that if I cut back, it may be less detrimental. It’s not that I don’t like healthy foods, because I do. In fact I eat better than most people I know. I just like UNhealthy foods much better.

I’m still lovin’ it….

8. He's just not that into...Diabetes.

I’ve recently been through a difficult breakup. During our two and a half years together, through ups and downs… one common factor has always been my, often poor, health.

Unfortunately chronic illness takes it’s toll not only on the ones afflicted, but of course everyone surrounding them, including and predominantly significantly others. The ones we love most.

It can be such a difficult decision to be with someone at all. We bring baggage into a relationship automatically. We suffer … and our lovers suffer with us. We have depression and our mates are at a loss as to how to comfort us. It is not an easy life we offer them.

And so the ones we love… do we hold on to them, build lives with them, and a “forever”? It’s been a constant debate in my mind. When you love someone you naturally want what is best for them. Maybe being with some one sick is not the best life we can offer them. Maybe it isn’t fair to them.

But maybe being sick isn’t fair to us.

And you know I don’t necessarily mean physically sick. My mental health has occasionally been shaky. Depression can be incapacitating. Anxiety limits you.

Are we limiting ourselves with these things?

Dating is hard. Love takes work. Throw illness and the insecurities it brings into the mix and maybe it’s impossible. Your significant other has a tall order to fill.

Not only to potentially have to take care of our physical need should something go wrong, but they need to be a support system in every other way as well. They need to truly understand illness. If someone has never had an affliction, never had an immediate family member with one, that is tough to do.

Among other things, try as we might, my relationship could not withstand this test. But I’m hopeful. I have the potential to live and love and build a life. I have a fantastic life to offer.

I don’t want to date because I’m scared of bringing someone knew into my chaos.

I don’t want to be alone and single.

Unfortunately there is no third option.

Is there?

Well there IS Oscar. My dachshund puppy. My little man. He listens to me. He cuddles with me. He will go for walks and adventures with me and share my popcorn. That’s almost as good. Right?
…..
…..right?