1. Denial

According to my friends: needles are scary. Terrifying, in fact. Just pulling out my insulin pen can send some of them running. Not to me. Needles are no big deal. They weren’t even in my pre-diabetes days. My fear is much worse. Much more frightening: my meter. I have been known to make up any excuse possible to avoid checking my blood sugar. I didn’t want to know what that number was going to be. It’s like playing hide-and-seek with a little kid. You know, when they just close their eyes convinced that if they can’t see you, you must not be able to see them?

And so it was with me, playing an eternal game of hide and seek with my little glucose monitor. If I don’t see that my sugar is high, it must not be….right? Right?
I know what you’re thinking: DENIAL.
You’re right.
Hello step number two of the grieving process!

I think I skipped step number one: Shock, and went straight to Denial. The next steps were Anger and Guilt. Anger sped by (it’s hard to be angry with no one to blame) then guilt. Ohhh, every diabetic must experience the guilt. But somehow I always fell back on denial. Maybe it comes from having been diagnosed at age 20, having lived so many years without it, how could I have diabetes now?!
So I decide that I don’t. I stop checking, and the inevitable always happens… I get sick, I lose weight, I scare everyone.
I don’t even notice, but apparently my personality changes too.

“It’s so funny how everyone argues with me about everything when my sugars are high.”
What? I’m the one who’s irrational? ME? Never!

They say that the only way to conquer your fear is to face it head on. Like if you’re afraid of drowning you go in the pool and hang out in the shallow end, slowly getting deeper as your fear subsides. If you’re afraid of spiders you… I don’t know… make friends with a spider?
So I check my sugar: 22.2. Damn.
Take insulin in a blind panic.
Check sugar: 16.5 More insulin! Hyperventilate! Where’s my brown paper bag?!?
Check sugar: 10.2 Hey that’s not so bad.
Check sugar: 7.9 Safe zone. Suddenly I have no fear. The world is my oyster!
I can do anything! I love everybody! Why was I so afraid? Diabetes is a breeze!
Check sugar: 17.8 WHAT? Hyperventilate! Hyperventilate! Insulin! Insulin!
Check sugar: 8.0
Whew.

A typical day of me trying to lower my sugars, and overcome my fear. I like to think I’ve come to Acceptance. I check my sugars (still with hesitation) regularly and try to keep my panic to a minimum. I know my weakness. Sometimes it feels like that little machine has too much power, doesn’t it? But it also gives us power, to take control, to live better.

I’m also afraid of sharks.

ttyl!
sugar.free.Ang